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  • Writer's picturePaul

Mother's Day on the Spectrum

I was five years old the first time I was kicked out of school. It was Kindergarten and I just didn't want to be there. They tried to make me interested by showing me a train toy that would go around the room and change direction every-time it bumped something, but I wasn't having that. My mother came and took me home. Too bad I wasn't diagnosed way back then... "I was an anxious child - I am an anxious adult"

My mother made me take piano lessons which led me to beginning a music ministry at church when I was seven years old. Sometimes our mothers push us in a direction that we don't want to go but NEED to go.

"No looking down as you

realize your dreams and now you fly"


In seventh grade I was kicked out of school because I wrote a horrendous story about 'what I did on my summer vacation', so bad that I can't talk about it, have been paying for it my entire life and need to take a trip to the place I wrote about for final absolution. My mother and father got me re-instated and never punished me, but I'm sure I caused them a lot of pain. I really wasn't remorseful or empathic to their pain. Autism Speaks.


When I was in high-school I badly injured my back and the doctors weren't helping me. At the hospital I heard my mom yelling at the staff for me to get some help. Mama Bear.


In high-school I decided to 'drop out' early. I was bored and saw the opportunity to travel to Arizona. Of course Mom & Dad were there to bring me home when that didn't work out and already Mom had gone to the school and came home with my diploma. Without such an advocate, I'd be lost. Thank you for teaching me the love of reading.


I dropped out of college because I was not learning fast enough. One day while working on my night-shift job I found myself in front of a terminal and realized that computer programming is 'just like music' and changed my life forever. Fortunate are those of us who find our talent to be employed when we're failing at everything else. Guardian Angel.


On a cold March night in 2014 I sat with my mother in hospice, holding her hand. Suddenly her face completely changed and I could feel her body vibrating as her spirit left her body. I felt humbled and appreciative to have that experience. 'Tis the sweet sound of goodbye,


Was Mom 'on the spectrum'? I think so. She maintained multiple desks and lists and, although never diagnosed, demonstrated autistic characteristics. My thought that she was helps me understand many things about my life. Women Who Run with Wolves.

 

One day in 1990 I met Donna. I can imagine what her Mother thought when she met me. Dorothy was twenty years younger than I am now when we met and always treated me with kindness and love. We lost her in March at the Farm, so it will be a different and difficult Mother's Day this year.

"Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

And hold me close ‘til I awake

To praise the gift of another day, Amen"

 


Donna, mother of two children, has been there for me over thirty years, not only my partner but my advocate. Love cannot describe what I feel, perhaps if I was normal I could.


03 You Are My Sunshine
.mp3
Download MP3 • 6.43MB

 




Finally, Blessed Mary, who literally saved my life several times and who I consecrate my entire being. Because of her I have no fear, knowing what waits for me on the other side. "There will be no Sorrow, Let it Be"

"To be or not to be

Leaving my life to the Mystery

You say a prayer for me

I'll sing AVE"


Last Song for Mother - Nanci Griffith

If I promise not to cry, Will you look me in the eye, And tell me that you've known me. I was your late, your lonely child, I am enhanced by all you've shown me.


And in my youth I did defy you to the end, Please forgive my wildness then, Even I can't comprehend. What a mother's love has lent, To all that is me.


And will you sing this song again? Let us sing it hand in hand, While the band is still playing. Before the light can loose your hand, Before I lose my voice again, Let us sing it while it's playing.


And if I promise not to cry,

Please look me in the eye. And say you've truly known me. 'Tis the sweet sound of goodbye, Amazing grace, how sweet the sound


Between your soul and mine, If I promise not to cry, If I promise not to cry.


 

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